06 The Lost Diaries of Adrian Mole 1999-2001 by Sue Townsend

Author:Sue Townsend [Townsend, Sue]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Saturday, October 21

Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Last week Pandora was climbing the rungs of the snakes and ladders of life. This week she is sliding down a python’s back (so to speak). The papers today are full of pictures of her cat, Maurice, who had to be rescued by the RSPCA on Thursday night after neighbours heard piteous miaowing coming from Pandora’s flat in Pimlico. Unfortunately, she was on a fact-finding mission with Keith Allen in Ayia Napa at the time of the cat’s rescue. An RSPCA spokesperson said: ‘Dr Pandora Braithwaite may be charged with the neglect and cruelty of an animal. Maurice had not been fed for five days and was in an emaciated condition.’

I phoned Pandora’s mother, Tanya, for the inside story and she told me that Maurice’s computerised feed-a-pet feeding bowl had developed a fault and had refused to open up and feed the ravenous beast. Some of the headlines were harsh: ‘Pan’s pet starved alone’, ‘Drug MP’s cat horror’, and ‘Pan’s pussy shock’.

In my role (unpaid) as Pandora’s advisor on Middle England, I rang the House of Commons to offer my help. Unfortunately, she was not able to take my call as she was in emergency talks with Alastair Campbell. I left a message with her private secretary, Nigel Hetherington, ‘Tell her to make a large donation to the Cat Rescue Mission’ Nigel said: ‘How very, very original. Thank you for your extremely naff idea, Moley.’

It still rankles with me that Pandora chose Nigel to be her right-hand man rather than me. Okay, so he may have three degrees – in management, business and fashion – but I feel that he lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. I am extremely experienced when it comes to dealing with the media. In 1993, for five months I was the Ashby Bugle’s poetry correspondent (unpaid) until the editor was sacked for gross subordination (throwing an empty vodka bottle at the proprietor). Unfortunately, the new editor was obsessed with sport and turned my weekly column into a Spot The Ball competition, to the detriment, in my opinion, of Ashby-de-la-Zouch’s cultural landscape. William is not eating. I suspect he is seeking attention.

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